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One of the standard 'totty' turndowns is 'I've got a boyfriend'. Ross isn't put off by that either. He has created a 'boyfriend destroyer' language pattern [a language pattern is a way of putting words together to create certain states of mind and mental actions in another person]. As he says in his literature ' She's got a boyfriend already! So what, here's how to knock him out of her mind so fast, it'll make your head spin and get her focused exclusively on you'. Of course, once she is focused on you, I think you have to be able to come across with the qualities she now thinks are missing in the boyfriend, else why should she swap him for you?

Once you've successfully got the girl to agree to listen to you Ross has 'sexual accelerator patterns' designed to and I quote 'bring her to dripping orgasm in a matter of minutes'. I'm not sure about this one.. but I can imagine how used in the right way, certain words could boost the sale of panty liners in women but the journey from wet knickers to orgasm in a few minutes... I'm reserving judgement on that one!

Learning to laugh as you learn

Ross, like me, has experienced the unique training style of Richard Bandler. To an outsider Bandler sounds more like a demonic long haired hippy with painted black nails doing a stand up comedy routine than a highly skilled genius teaching the finer points of human interaction. What a lot of people don't realise is that the comedy is designed to relax the learning sphincter so that the trainer can easily penetrate the depths of the mind and thrust in a bucketful of positive messages and learning points. Bandler calls this unconscious learning. It is a very different approach to the rote learning most of us have been subjected to in school.

Unconscious learning is great for big-picture people like me who are happy to sit back and let it wash over me. Ross has chosen a teaching style that falls somewhere between unconscious learning and step by step rote learning. To the more anally inclined, who sit with pens poised waiting to take down every letter of ever word uttered, Ross's stand-up comedy routine and apparent deviation from the subject matter may be a little frustrating. But they are soon rewarded for their patience when he has them taking down various language patterns word for word. The purpose behind this is clear to me. Ross wants them to know HOW the patterns work. The danger is that the detail merchants will see it as a ready made script for pulling and this isn't, I suspect the intention of the teaching.

Mr. or Mrs. Right: The clues are there

Often when we first meet, we spend time talking about our lives and past relationships. This is your opportunity to express what's important to you... stories tell us loads. And this is your opportunity to discover more about them.

Listen carefully because people are giving you clues all the time. They will tell you what they value and want indirectly. Make sure you reciprocate - and if what they reveal doesn't fit with you..and you still feel drawn, be careful... Check it out further. You could be heading for a minefield - and no-one walks into a minefield thinking 'I won't get hit this time or I can change the mines...this time it'll be different' It probably won't!!

Know who you are - Who are You?

You can't really work out if you want to see more of someone or if they are right for you unless you have a clear idea of what you value in yourself. Do you know who you are? What are the things that are dominant and important in your life, and what values do you hold so true that someone you are with has to have similar ones or else - no go!

Do you want kids? Or maybe you definitely don't want them. Are you sure? Many people continue through relationships and even get married, assuming that the other wants just what they want.

"I thought we wouldn't have kids until we'd had some time building our careers, say in 6 or 7 years time and I only discovered when Illona got pregnant that she'd wanted them immediately and that she assumed I would too. We'd never discussed it properly, but then you don't do you.." [This was sent to me by someone asking for help]